Things That Adam Writes

happy non-denominational joyous holiday season-time!

Thu, 30 Dec 2010 13:11:10 -0500

WHY THANK YOU. Merry Hannuchrismakwanzeid (and new year)!

Kim Jong-un

Mon, 11 Oct 2010 19:08:02 -0400

This week, Kim Jong-il, North Korea’s self-styled ‘Dear Leader’, held a parade in the country’s capital Pyongyang to celebrate the 65th anniversary of the founding of the ruling North Korean Worker’s Party. He took the opportunity to show off his son, Kim Jong-un, the man widely expected to be the next leader, to the world’s media.

I think he’s got that dictator-y look down to a tee. He just needs to get a good few torturing sessions under his belt to get those eyes looking nice and dead and he’ll be all set to run the world’s nuttiest country!

I am going to London on Saturday for an open day and I fully expect to be blown to smithereens on the Tube by terrorists.

Thu, 07 Oct 2010 16:02:31 -0400

Apple Store

Tue, 05 Oct 2010 14:37:00 -0400

This weekend I went to the Apple Store which, for me, is almost as exciting as going to a free strip bar that encourages touching and groping. While there, I opened up Photo Booth (an application that lets you take pictures through the webcam) to leave my mark on one of the sexy iMacs, only to find someone else had gotten there before me by snapping an Andy Warhol-style Pop Art picture of their startlingly hairy penis. Suffice to say, my iBoner didn’t stick around much longer.

Photo

Sun, 03 Oct 2010 09:05:49 -0400

There's one thing all males of every species have in common: the love of a good ball scratch.

Fri, 01 Oct 2010 16:11:13 -0400

80s video dating montage.

Fri, 01 Oct 2010 10:08:00 -0400

Honestly, the most hilarious video I’ve seen for ages. It’s a montage of dating agency tapes from the 1980s where a bunch of funny-haired and often mustachioed losers try to sell themselves to desperate women through the medium of video.

Highlights include a quite clearly gay fashion designer, Fred the bespectacled Viking virgin and Monroe the Cleveland Browns fan with his “incredibly blue eyes.”

I have no problem with dangerously ugly people, but...

Wed, 29 Sep 2010 18:22:27 -0400

I’ve just witnessed a girl who looks startlingly like a cross-eyed pig in drag, make one of those wistful, not-really-aimed-at-anyone statuses about how she’s too good for pretty much every man on Earth. I’m half-tempted to shatter her delusions of attractiveness by telling her that it’s been scientifically proven that 100% of men would rather stick their penises into a sausage-making machine than her cooch, but I’m in too good a mood.

Monkey guards brought in to protect athletes in Delhi.

Tue, 28 Sep 2010 14:45:00 -0400

Fans of monkey news have been sorely underserved by the media in recent months, what with all the so-called “serious stories” hogging the airwaves and column inches, but that all changed today when I read on the Telegraph’s website that monkeys have been drafted in to guard the athletes’ village at the 2010 Commonwealth Games in Delhi from rogue animals.

Some people have cited this story as yet another example of the 2010 games being a shambles, but I just like monkeys, so, yeah.

QWOP needs your help!

Sun, 26 Sep 2010 08:33:00 -0400

QWOP is a South African athlete whose low IQ technically qualifies him as a retard. Despite this, he has been allowed to race in the Olympics but he needs YOUR help. Because he’s retarded, you’re going to have to make his legs work and make him run. If you only play one physics-based flash game about a retarded runner today, make it this one.

Click here to play QWOP.

Want to watch dickheads pretend to be The Beatles?

Sat, 25 Sep 2010 19:58:35 -0400

My newest Super Awesome Internet Thing Of The Week is this live webcam of the crossing outside the Abbey Road Studios in London, made famous by the Beatles who featured it on the cover of their 1969 LP Abbey Road.

So now you can watch morons recreate that famous pose whenever you want, much to the annoyance of the local taxi cab drivers. If you’re lucky, you might even see an awesome car crash!

Ed Miliband today, after winning the Labour Party’s...

Sat, 25 Sep 2010 19:27:49 -0400

Ed Miliband today, after winning the Labour Party’s leadership election, beating four candidates including his brother David.

Labour leadership election.

Sat, 25 Sep 2010 09:10:00 -0400

Whoever wins today’s Labour leadership contest here in Manchester today has a pretty good chance of being the next Prime Minister, so in no particular order, here are my profiles of the candidates…

Andy Burnham (AKA the boring Northern one).

There’s really not much to say about Andy Burnham other than the fact that he was the Health Secretary in the last government, the same government under whom hospital standards went to shit, which should tell you all you need to know on Mr Burnham’s ability as a politician.

Ed Balls (AKA the one with the funny name who loves Gordon Brown).

Besides having a stupid name, Ed Balls served as Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families under the last government. He also thought it’d be a good idea to pay for a plush house in London with his parliamentary expenses allowance, which the public foot the bill for.

Dianne Abbot (AKA the token black woman)

There are plenty of talented black politicians in Britain and in the Labour party (Oona King comes to mind), but sadly, Ms Abbott is not one of them. MPs have freely admitted to nominating her just so there could be a non-white person on the ballot and not because of her talents, plus she didn’t even know when St George’s Day was when asked in the Sky News Labour Leadership Debate. Sadly, she’s far from being the British Obama.

David Miliband (AKA Mr Bean)

An accomplished politician and currently joint favourite to win the contest along with his brother Ed (see below), David has had several cabinet positions, including Foreign Secretary in the last government. Despite these achievements, everyone knows him best as ‘that guy who posed with a banana in the street’.

Ed Miliband (AKA Forrest Gump)

Best known for being the slightly gimpy-looking brother of David, Ed Miliband has been doing surprisingly well and, as of this morning, the press are calling him the favourite to win the Leadership election and become the new leader of the opposition, taking on the Prime Minister in parliament. He’s favoured by the trade unions (whose votes Labour need) because of his more leftist views, he served as Secretary of State at the Department for Energy and Climate Change under the last government and he wrote Labour manifesto for the last general election, so nobody could accuse him of being under-qualified. However, I’m just nervous that, if he ever does become Prime Minister, people will actually think we’ve elected Forrest Gump as our leader.

If I had to choose between the candidates, I think I’d choose David Miliband. He comes across as quite the statesman, plus It’d be cool watching a Mr Bean lookalike shaking hands with world leaders at the UN and whatnot. The results of the election will be announced at 16:00 at the Manchester Central Convention Centre.

"I was a corn packer. I know that term is offensive to some people, because corn packer is a..."

Fri, 24 Sep 2010 19:10:54 -0400

““I was a corn packer. I know that term is offensive to some people, because corn packer is a derogatory term for a gay Iowan.””

- Stephen Colbert to Republican congressman Steve King, on working as a migrant corn-picker for a day.

Home secretary: Threat from Irish terrorism 'substantial'.

Fri, 24 Sep 2010 18:59:41 -0400

MI5 have today announced that the threat of a terror attack being carried out by Irish terrorists in mainland Britain is “substantial.”

Everybody seems to be pretty concerned about the raising of the terror threat level, especially given that recent attempts at attacks in Northern Ireland have grown more sophisticated, but I really don’t think there’s much reason to worry - Irish terrorists are pussies. They’ll give you a call to tell you they’ve put a bomb in your shop, tell you when it’s going to go off so you can get all the nice people out, they might give you a pet name like ‘dear’ or ‘love’ and ask how the kids are doing, plus they’ve all got cute names like Dermot and Cormack. Besides, we’ve got bigger fish to fry; Islamic terrorism is much scarier. Those guys really know how to how to stir shit up. “You call blowing up a shop with no people in it terrorism do you, Mr IRA man? Try knocking down the two tallest towers in the USA, attacking the Pentagon and crashing a plane into a field, all in one day!”

I mean, look at Father Dougal down there, do you really think he has it in him to kill you? Do you really think a man with those puppy dog eyes is capable of murder? Me neither.

That reminds me, I really must watch more episodes of Father Ted…

It’s normal that I find this absolutely hilarious, right?

Wed, 22 Sep 2010 19:16:00 -0400

[Flash 10 is required to watch video.]

It’s normal that I find this absolutely hilarious, right?

Happy Wheels.

Wed, 22 Sep 2010 19:15:00 -0400

Just play it. Video coming up.

Old time sex.

Wed, 22 Sep 2010 18:53:38 -0400

I was looking up sex on Wikipedia (don’t ask) and I came across some very old depictions of sex.

The image above is from a painting done in India in the 18th Century. Now, is it just me or are they having full-on yoga sex? There again, looking at the pipes and leaves and the hazy look in their eyes, they’ve probably been smoking pot. Did they have pot in 18th Century India? Hmm, that’s another thing I’ll have to look up on Wikipedia…

This next one is on a vase from Ancient Greece and shows what looks like hairy men gang-banging other hairy men with big tits and hairbands.

Sex is cool.

Bath time.

Tue, 21 Sep 2010 13:22:00 -0400

I’m going to have a bath now. I don’t know why people consider baths so girly when you’re basically sitting in a tub of boiling-hot water, stewing in your own sweat, dirt and dick cheese.

Also, I just searched “having a bath” on Google Images to get a nice picture to accompany this post and I got bombarded with baby penises. So, that’s something you paedophiles might want to have a ganders at.

Stay classy, Adam....

Sat, 18 Sep 2010 19:17:00 -0400

Stay classy, Adam. =[
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